Once In A Blue Moon
by Tachyon II
Summary: Voyager encounters fascinating moon and an away team is sent down to investigate. What was assumed to be routine assignment ends up surprising the captain of the USS Voyager. Both Kathryn and Chakotay end up facing the truth, which they both have known.


"That must be one of the most unique worlds we have encountered so far", Chakotay said as he looked at the view screen.

"The moon of eternal night", Janeway said. "That sounds almost poetic."

"Perhaps, but eternal night is accurate description of the conditions on the moon, based on the facts", Seven stated from the science station. "The moon is tidally locked, and therefore the other side of the moon is facing the planet at all times. The gas giant proximity to the moon indicates that the whole sky perceived from the moon surface is covered with the planet on the dayside. In addition, the moon orbits the planet in a manner where the light from the central star of this system cannot reach moon's surface at any point. It is located between the planet and the other moon orbiting the giant, which is notable bigger. In short; the moon is dark, Captain, at all times."

"Thank you Seven", Janeway said and tried to hide her smile.

"I detect breathable atmosphere and diverse flora, Captain", Harry informed from his station. "Looks pretty much like M-Class planet."

"Any indication of intelligent life?" Chakotay asked.

"There is a small, pre-warp society on the moon, Commander", Tuvok informed. "Definitely humanoid. It seems that the whole society has settled down around both the north and the south pole of the moon."

"So if we would like to go down and take a look, our trip would be left unnoticed?" Tom asked.

"Most likely", Tuvok stated. "However, if all inhabitants have settled down to the certain parts of the moon, logic suggests that there may be some reason to avoid other parts."

"Sensors do not detect any notable geological differences between different areas", Harry noted.

"Could be worth exploring…", Chaktoay hinted and took a quick glance at the Captain.

"Hmm… there just might be something worth harvesting for our Airponics Bay", Janeway said.

A smile escaped to Commander's face.

"Assemble the away team, Commander", Janeway said then. "But be cautious. I do not want to interfere in the lives of those people who live down there."

"Understood", Chakotay responded. "Tuvok, Tom – you are with me."

* * *

Chakotay, Tuvok, Tom, and Neelix looked around and all of them were amazed by their surroundings. The moon was indeed dark, but the darkness was not blinding. The light of the central star was reflecting from gas giant surface to the moon, and it illuminated the environment on the moon, making it dim rather than dark. Therefore, the away team was able to see around them without switching on their wrist beacons. The proximity of the gas giant also made the weather on the moon surface warm, almost tropical. The flora was dense, resembling Earth's rainforests, but without the humidity of the air.

"Well isn't this charming", Tom said. "Romantically dim environment, with tropical touch… Sky full of blue and green shapes. I should have borrowed Doctor's camera."

"A photographic essay of your own?" Neelix asked and laughed.

"Maybe. The Doctor better watch out."

Chakotay smiled without responding. Tuvok remained silent as well, but his facial expression lacked any signs of amusement or approval, which was more than typical for him.

"Can you smell that odor?", Tom asked then. "It's very sweet."

"Must be the vegetation", Chakotay said.

"Commander", Neelix said a tricorder in his hands. "I believe we could actually collect some of the plants for the Airponics Bay. I'm not saying that I am familiar with this plantation, but my scans do not reveal any poisonous substances."

"Acknowledged", Chakotay said. "Collect few samples to beam aboard for further study."

"Yes sir."

Neelix was engrossed in the readings of his tricorder as he walked towards bush-like plants carrying his container. He was quite taken up with this assignment. The possibility to utilize new kind of vegetation as a source of food made him very excited. It would be a challenge without a doubt, and there was definitely a risk of disappointment, but he loved challenges. If he would find something new to add in crew's menu, he would spend some splendid moments in the galley making up and perfecting his new recipes.

Neelix dropped the container next to a tree and started scanning a bush that carried little white fruits of some kind. He imagined already the possible taste of this white plum-like plant, even though his tricorder hadn't even analyzed the texture of the fruit yet.

Suddenly Neelix woke up from his thoughts. Had he heard something from the forest?

"Hello?" Neelix asked silently.

No answer. Neelix hesitated, and looked back to see the rest of the away team. Once he was able to see Tuvok walking with his tricorder nearby, his sudden jumpiness eased a bit.

"Don't let this dimness get to you", he reminded himself and started to scan the white fruits again.

Then he heard it again. Someone was definitely moving in the forest nearby. Neelix pointed his tricorder towards the dark shadows of the woods, but his scan revealed nothing. That was odd, because surely he should be able to get some readings. Neelix's heart began to race. He was definitely getting more nervous, even though he tried to assure himself there was nothing to be concerned about. Rest of the away team was near, and he had his phaser with him as well. He was more or less safe. Then he heard it again. Someone was near; there was no doubt about it. Neelix held his breath and tried to listen more carefully. His tricorder had to be malfunctioning, since the scans still revealed nothing. Neelix touch his phaser carefully, just to be sure he still had it.

"Come out, come out wherever you are…", he whispered then.

Suddenly Neelix felt someone touching him. He flinched, turned around, and saw someone hanging upside down from the branch of the tree next to him. The sudden and unexpected proximity of the unknown creature horrified him, but he tried to stay somewhat functional.

"Neelix to Commande…", he started but without being able to finish. The one he had encountered had snatched his combadge and before he knew it, he felt tight grip on his arm.

* * *

The atmosphere on the bridge of Voyager was anything but relaxed.

"It's been over fifteen minutes since we realized we had no contact with the away team", Janeway fumed while pacing back and forth in front of the command chairs. "Why cannot our sensors find them?"

Harry looked at the Captain, but remained silent. Since he didn't have anything good to report, the best choice for him was to keep his eyes on the sensor readings. He watched the readings on his consol like a hawk, but it was useless. Tom, Chaktoay, Neelix, and Tuvok were simply… gone.

"Another sensor sweep, ensign", Janeway ordered. "And Seven – get down to the Astrometrics."

"The sensors in Astrometrics will most likely reveal nothing new."

"Just get down there!" Janeway snapped. "NOW."

Seven nodded and left.

Harry sighed. He was frustrated. He had done his best already, he and Seven had even enhanced the sensors as much they could be enhanced in fifteen minutes, but there was still nothing. They were as good as blind. Sensor did detect M-Class conditions two city-like complexes on both poles of the moon, but the four individuals they were searching were gone.

Suddenly Harry heard a beep. He was instantly interpreting the readings on his console. Yes, he definitely saw something he wasn't seeing a moment ago.

"Captain, I got something!" Harry dared to inform.

"What is it?"

"I think it's Tuvok, ma'am."

"Janeway to Commander Tuvok", Janeway hailed without any hesitation.

"Commander Tuvok here, Captain."

"Commander, where have you been? Are the others with you?"

"I am alone, Captain. I recommend that I am beamed back to Voyager at once."

"Acknowledged. Stand by, Tuvok."

Janeway nodded to Harry who started to operate transport sequence from his post.

"I've got a lock. Transporting", Harry informed.

Janeway sighed. Three of the away team were still missing, but at least she would have some answers now.

* * *

"They may be pre-warp society, but there are some significant technological innovations utilized", Tuvok reported in Captain's ready room.

"How were they able to detect you?"

"I'm uncertain, but suffice to say that they did."

"Our sensors detected them around the poles only. Why didn't we see them near your location?"

"That is an intriguing question, Captain, since our tricorders did not detect them either. Perhaps the individuals outside of the larger group are able to avoid detection somehow. That would suggest significant knowledge on technology. Therefore I must assume that this species may be almost advanced than we are, but they have simply chosen not to travel in space."

"So they are pre-warp society, but by choice. The Prime Directive doesn't necessarily apply."

"That is a daring assumption, but the one I must concur. It is not entirely impossible that some species choose not to leave their worlds, even though they could."

"What can you tell me about them?" Janeway asked then. "Are they hostile?"

"There is only little I can tell, Captain. Suffice to say that these people are less than willing to unfold any information about them. However, we did find out that they call themselves Utu. I did not detect evident hostility towards us, but our presence on the moon was certainly infringement to them. I sensed that they were more worried than angered."

"Worried about what?"

"Unknown."

"What exactly happened once you encountered them?"

"We were taken underground and transferred to their city with some kind of transportation vehicle. It moved in very high speed."

"What is your analysis?"

"I believe that Utu people know their world well, even though they choose to live in one location only. They certainly have constructed some kind of network for underground transportation. However, I am unable to say how far-flung this network is or how many transportation vehicles there are currently in use, but logic suggests that this network is connecting the north and the south poles where the inhabitants have settled down."

"So they have the means to travel far, and yet the whole society remains near the poles."

"Yes. Perhaps those locations have some significance in their culture."

"Have they encountered alien species before?"

"I believe they have", Tuvok said. "If we had been the first group of aliens they have ever encountered, it is reasonable to assume that they would have been more on the alert. However, I did not detect any signs of panic or dismay."

"Why did they release you and not the others?"

"I believe it has something to do with the curiosity. In order to observe and learn, the rest of the away team is still held by them. Once we arrived to the city, we met few of the Utus personally. I did request that they would release at least some of us so we could inform our leader about them. After a brief deliberation, they chose me to be freed for rather unique reason."

"Which was?"

"The one who had the authority to release me stated that The Utu haven't met anyone like me before, who can restrain so much of himself, and yet be more open than anyone else on our group."

"What do you think that meant? Why was that so important them?"

"I cannot form a sound hypothesis at the moment, Captain. But I must conclude that whatever the reason is, it has nothing to do with a race. I assume that they classify aliens in a different way."

"By their nature?"

"Perhaps."

"Very well. Any suggestions how we should proceed now? We have still three men down there and I want them back."

"Since they seem to be people who cherish their privacy, it is reasonable to assume that they are not eager to communicate with us. Therefore, I recommend that we wait for a moment. The Utu may release the rest of the away team without our intervention. Getting the Utu negotiating on the terms of the release may not be a successful strategy."

"So much for the diplomacy", Janeway stated and sighed.

"They might response to diplomacy, Captain, but with the remaining three on the moon. Since our interference is not desired by the Utu, sending more people down would not be interpreted in a positive way."

"So all we can do at the moment is to wait," Janeway sighed. "But I do want a backup plan if we don't hear from the rest soon."

"Are you prepared to use force, Captain?"

"If needed", Janeway replied. "But I still have faith that this situation can be resolved before we have to seriously consider forcible measures."

* * *

Janeway tapped the armrest of her chair. The past hours had gone by slowly. Her mood was somewhere between anger, worry and guilt, but she tried to keep her face as neutral as possible. Nevertheless she could sense the bridge crew eyeing her. It was natural response from them under such circumstances. Nothing alarming had happened yet, but the empty seat next to her kept reminding them all about the seriousness of the situation. Why were the Utu holding Chakotay, Tom and Neelix? If they weren't pleased about their presence on the moon, why didn't they expel them? There was something going on she wasn't aware yet. Something with the Utu just didn't add up.

"Paris to Voyager, do you read? Please respond."

Janeway got up to her feet and looked to Tuvok who stood behind his console at the tactics.

"Janeway here. Where are you Tom?"

"I'm ready to be beamed back home, Captain".

"Stand by", Janeway responded and nodded to Harry.

Harry sighed and started beaming Tom back to Voyager. The Utu had kept him over two hours and the atmosphere on the bridge had been tense for whole time. Tom's hail had broken the silence and Captain seemed to be in active state of mind again. Patience had been virtue – this time.

"I've got him, Captain", Harry informed.

"Well done, ensign", Janeway said and left the bridge.

She was heading to the transportation room 2 where Tom was currently materializing. It was certainly a relief to get Tom back, but at the same time she was still missing two from her crew. She hoped Tom would provide some insights on the Utu, something that would give them more understanding of the current situation. Once the doors of the turbolift opened on deck 4, Janeway almost jumped out to the corridor.

"Report", she demanded once seeing Lieutenant Paris walking down the corridor.

"Where to begin?" Tom wondered and Janeway could tell that he was puzzled.

"Did they harm you in any way?"

"No. Once we arrived to their city, we were taken into this patio of some kind, and we were there the whole time doing nothing but waiting."

"What about Neelix and Chakotay?"

"They are fine. They are more patient than I were."

"Why did they let you leave and not the others?"

"I cannot say, Captain, but what led to my release was certainly interesting."

"What do you mean?"

"About ten minutes ago three Utus came to us", Tom started and stopped walking. Then he faced the Captain and continued: "They asked us one question, to which we all had to answer. First they asked Chakotay, then Neelix, and finally me. Then they told me that I was good to go."

"Just like that? What was the question?"

"They asked… which one of them I disliked more."

"Excuse me?"

"That was exactly what Chakotay said. Then they asked Neelix the same question and he said that he didn't dislike either of us."

"And how did you answer the question?", Janeway asked.

"I assumed that the best approach was to be as honest as possible, and I said that it varies. Sometimes I dislike Chakotay more, sometimes Neelix. Then they asked which one I disliked more at the moment, and I told Neelix, since he was babbling all the time."

"And they let you go?"

"Yes. They said that I wasn't hiding, gave back my combadge, and directed me out of the patio. I asked when Chakotay and Neelix would be released and they said that once the air was cleansed."

"Once the air was cleansed?"

"Yes, whatever that means. I tried to find out how long it would take them to detect if the 'air had been cleansed', but they didn't answer. Once I got out of their city, they put me into this underground vehicle, which took me back to the location we were found by them. One Utu escorted me. I guess his job was to make sure I would leave from their world."

"They really don't want us down there", Janeway stated.

"And yet they won't let Chakotay and Neelix leave", Tom continued.

"About that one particular question", Janeway started. "Do you think that was a test of some kind?"

"Test of honesty?", Tom suggested. "Perhaps. Your guess is as good as mine, Captain."

"Tuvok has briefed me on his observations on the Utu culture. He theorized that you were held out of curiosity. But what I have just heard…"

"It seems that there is something in us that is against their way of life", Tom suggested.

"Cleansing air would suggest something like that", Janeway pondered. "Is there something else you think I should know about?"

"I don't know… I'm still a bit confused. I guess all that darkness started to wear me down. They do not even have any kind of illuminating systems within their buildings."

"So they are fully adapted to the dark?"

"So it seems. They have large eyes and very light, almost white skin. And when they are communicating, they are really letting you see all of their gestures. It's almost overdramatic from our point of view."

"Why are they still holding Neelix and Chakotay?"

"I wish I could tell you, Captain," Tom said. "I guess there must be something in them that 'violates' their air."

"But if that was the case, why won't they get rid off them?", Janeway wondered.

"I don't know Captain", Tom sighed. "The whole incident makes a little sense to me. We weren't even interrogated if you don't count that one question they made us all answer. During the past hours we had only little contact on the Utu. They didn't want to interact with us, and I'm not sure if they were even observing us. We were just left on this patio-like space, and it felt almost like we were being isolated. But if that was the case, why did they bring us in their city in the first place if our presence was making them uncomfortable?"

"This has certainly been unique first contact", Janeway admitted and sighed. "I want the Doctor take a look at you", she said then.

"I feel fine Captain", Tom assured.

"Report to the sickbay", Janeway stated seriously and Tom quickly realized that he heard an order instead of request.

"Yes, ma'am", he said then.

"In the mean time… I guess all we can do is wait. It is reasonable to assume that Chakotay and Neelix are not in immediate danger."

"I agree", Tom replied once they entered the turbolift. "Deck five."

"There are still some significant pieces missing from this puzzle", Janeway pondered.

"To say the least", Tom agreed and stepped out the turbolift on deck five.

When the doors shut again, Janeway sighed. She didn't like the idea of doing absolutely nothing for her missing crewmen, but she was low on options. She had to assume that both Chakotay and Neelix would be released unharmed, like Tuvok and Tom were. But still she felt little nervous. And she didn't like to admit that she had given the wrong order when sending the away team on the moon. She had been too confident, too trustful. But how could have she known this? How could have she anticipated something like this to happen? Why weren't there any demands from the Utu? What would happen to Chakotay and Neelix, if the Utu were unsuccessful in cleansing their air?

* * *

"I'm picking up Talaxian life sign near the equator of the moon, Captain", Harry informed.

"Finally", Janeway sighed after four hours of waiting.

"Neelix to Voyager", they heard immediately via communications.

A faint smile appeared on Captain's face until she responded: "Janeway here."

"Am I glad to hear your voice, Captain! I am here with my Utu… friend, and I am certainly very ready to be beamed back to Voyager."

"Stand by, Neelix", Janeway informed and nodded to Harry.

Harry got a lock on Neelix and started transporting him back to Voyager. Once he was sure that Neelix was back, he nodded to the Captain. Janeway took a seat and sighed. She expected that Neelix could provide some useful information about the Utu, since he had always been good in observing the essential characteristics on alien species.

"Captain!", she finally heard familiar voice behind her once the Talaxian had entered the bridge.

"Report, Mr. Neelix", Janeway requested and gestured him to take a seat on Chakotay's chair.

"The Utu are most unusual people, Captain", Neelix started and sat down next to the Captain. "I can tell you for sure that our presence on the moon is not desirable by them, but at the same time their customs forbade our quick release."

"What kind of customs are you talking about?"

"It has something to do with the air", Neelix told.

"Violating their air", Tom said from the helm.

"Yes", Neelix agreed.

"How is the Commander?" Janeway asked then. "Are they releasing him?"

"He is fine, Captain", Neelix informed. "However, Captain… umm… well the thing is that…"

"What is it, Neelix?" Janeway asked seriously.

"They are not willing to release the Commander just yet."

"Why not?" Janeway asked.

"Because they can't."

"What about you? They let you go."

"They released me after one really peculiar incident, Captain."

"What happened?"

"They came to me about an hour ago and asked me to follow. They took me into this very dark room where they started to ask me questions. Before I even knew it, our little chitchat had got on to my past."

"They wanted to talk about your past?"

"They are good, Captain, very good. I hardy even realized that I was talking about my most bleak memories to them, until one specific word got out of my mouth. I said 'Rinax'".

"Why did they want to talk about Rinax?"

"They didn't. They wanted me to talk about it, Captain. I didn't want to, so I refused. I insisted that whatever impacts the events on Rinax might have had to me, I have already had a closure to them. But they were very persistent and kept inquiring me the most personal things. So I finally got angry to them. I even shouted at them, Captain, but I guess that was the point. I noticed that since I got angry, they became pleased. Once I finally spat my true thoughts about the Rinax out of my mouth, they finally took me by this small pool filled with water. Then they said I should tell the water how I felt. I think that was a bit odd, but who am I to judge their habits. So I told the water how I was feeling. Then they said I was ready to go. I never saw Commander since I left the patio, but I assume that he is all right."

"Do you believe that Commander Chakotay can be in any danger at some point?" Janeway asked.

"I… I don't know Captain. They did say to me that he is still violating their air."

"How can they determine that Chakotay is violating their air?" Janeway asked. "Chakotay is the last person to offend alien cultures."

"I don't think the Utu is referring to anything Commander is doing consciously", Neelix said lowering his voice.

"He is being held because of something he is not aware of? Are the Utu telepathic?"

"They may very well be", Neelix guessed.

"No one of the Utu tried to contact me telepathically", Tuvok pointed out. "It is rather usual among the telepathic species to be aware of another species' telepathic abilities."

"Unless they wanted to hide it", Tom said. "The Utu have shown that they do not want us to know a lot about them."

"True", Neelix stated. "But in this case the Utu made one point very clear to me."

"And what was that?" Janeway asked.

"The Utu has sent you a message, Captain," Neelix said. "They told me to inform you that they want you to get down there, Captain."

"Why?" Janeway asked. "Are they willing to negotiate? Do they want an apology?"

"I think they are requesting your help…"

"I peg your pardon?" Janeway asked.

"The one who escorted me out of their city was obviously also assigned to inform me on this matter. He said that they cannot let commander go until the source of impureness within him stops violating their air. They want you to go down there as soon as possible."

"And why do they expect I could help them in any way?" Janeway asked.

"I don't know, Captain, but that is what my escort told me."

"Captain; I strongly recommend you stay on the ship", Tuvok stated and took a step closer to the Captain. "This can be a trap. In addition, we are already missing our first officer. We cannot take the risk losing the Captain, too."

"What do you think Neelix?" Janeway asked.

"You are asking me, Captain?"

"Yes. What do you think they would do to commander, if I refuse to go down there?"

"Well… they won't let him leave, I guess."

"How important is this to the Utu?"

"Extremely. They seem to be very worried about the Commander and the possible effect he has on their… air."

"This is crazy!" Tom exclaimed. "Maybe they released us three just to get you down there, Captain. They may very well know that once they have our Captain and our second-in-command, they have done significant damage to our crew."

"Agreed", Tuvok said seriously. "I see no pressing need for you to leave the ship at this moment, Captain."

"What about Commander Chakotay?" Neelix asked. "What if they harm the commander if the Captain refuses to go?"

"We have no means to beam either one of them up, if something goes wrong", Harry reminded.

"But Chakotay is still down there and for how long?" Neelix asked. "What if the Utu threatens his life if they don't get their wish granted?"

"Captain – there is still an option to use force", Tuvok reminded.

"I will go", she said then.

"Captain", Tuvok stated and raised an eyebrow.

"It is a risk, I know. But according to Mr. Neelix, the Utu has made a request for help. I am… we all are obligated to offer our help to them."

"We are not fully aware of their intentions", Tuvok reminded.

"You reported me Mr. Tuvok that you sensed the Utu being more worried than angered. That observation is consistent what Neelix just told me."

"Nevertheless you are the Captain, and Starfleet has procedures when it comes to the Captain's safety. You going on the moon alone, without your security officer, and while our first officer is gone as well…"

"I am aware of that", Janeway interrupted. "And yes, our first officer is indeed down there, and these people refuse to let him go. If my presence on the moon helps us to get our first officer back, I must get down there."

"I must restate my disagreement on this matter", Tuvok informed.

"Noted", Janeway replied briefly, until turning back to Neelix. "Did the Utu inform where I should be beamed?"

"No", Neelix said. "But trust me Captain when I say that once you are down there, they will find you where ever you are."

* * *

Kathryn looked around. After the blinding darkness of the underground transportation network the dim environment of the aboveground seemed almost bright. Now she was surrounded by high buildings, which were constructed by some whitish material that glimmered bluish glow. When looking up, she could see glimpses of the sky, which was filled with the surface of the gas giant. The sight had beauty beyond description.

"Extraordinary," Kathryn whispered.

"You will follow me", the Utu representative who had escorted her to the city said.

"I assume I will meet my first officer now", she stated.

"Yeees", the escort said and emphasized his verbal response by gesturing with his hands. Kathryn realized that Tom had been right. The Utu had very overdramatic way of gesturing with their body while speaking.

They walked awhile along the wide street, which was nearly silent. Kathryn could see only few figures walking outside of the buildings. She was a little surprised to see the city so empty.

"Is this city of yours always this peaceful?" she asked.

"Nooo", the Utu answered. "Not always. But many have traveled to the south now."

"How many?"

"Over half of the city populaton."

Kathryn wondered about the mass-move of the Utu in the north city for a moment, until she saw two Utu individuals approaching them. They walked side by side, talking and gesturing to each other. When they encountered them Kathryn could see disapproval in their gestures when they saw her with her escort.

"YOU!" one of them said angrily as he had suddenly stopped walking and now leaned forward her.

"The air will be cleansed and you may return soon. Now continue to the south", Kathryn's escort informed the others, and then he gripped her arm to lead her away from them.

Kathryn was puzzled. She hadn't expected to encounter hostility among the Utu, but obviously her expectations had been faulty.

"How do you feel?" the Utu asked then.

"Excuse me?"

"How do you feel?"

"How do I feel? Why is that important?"

"It is to us."

"I am a little bit anxious", she told then.

"Yes you are", she heard his escort say. "And you should show it more clearly."

"I'm sorry, but that is something I am not accustomed to," Kathryn informed. "As the leader of my community I have to remain calm under various situations. There is usually no room for expressing strong emotions while making decisions that will have an affect of nearly 150 people."

Her escort stopped walking and turned around to watch her with his large dark eyes.

"Why?" the Utu asked then.

"Why? Because my people work more efficiently when they don't let their emotions get in the way."

"That is unnatural."

"Not for us", Kathryn told. "Our people have the choice what feelings to express and with whom. We usually let our emotions show among the people we trust and feel comfortable with. While we are working as a group, we tend to let our rational side take over and emotions are kept to oneself."

"Strange way of living", the Utu said. "We do not understand the concept of "keeping emotions to oneself". That is not a choice for us. Our emotions manifest themselves as naturally as we are breathing. As they should."

"So you value the clear expressions of your feelings? Is that how you define honesty?"

"Yeeees. We do not tolerate repressed emotions. We see it hiding. Keeping your emotions hidden is very much forbidden. Feelings are part of us and they must be expressed openly. They must be seen by everyone."

"I see."

Then the Utu turned around and started walking again. Kathryn followed him and soon they entered one of the buildings. They walked across a wide hall their steps echoing in the air. The dome-like roof was high above them and the floor was rather glossy. Once they arrived to one of the doors on the other side, they stopped.

"You will go there", the Utu escort gestured.

"Very well", Kathryn said and opened the door.

Behind the door was a short dark corridor. Kathryn stepped in kept walking until arriving to the patio of some kind. Then she saw a familiar figure sitting on the low stony wall.

"Chakotay", Kathryn said. "Are you all right?"

"Captain", he responded and got up to his feet. "What are you doing here?"

"That is something I would like to know as well", Kathryn stated and turned around to face her escort.

"We requested your presence, because every time the three others mentioned your ship or their captain, the air around _him_ tightened and darkened", the Utu responded and pointed his finger at Chakotay.

"Excuse me?" Chakotay asked.

"You, Captain Janeway, are the key in his cleansing. His repressed emotions must be resolved before you can leave this place. We, the Utu, are sensitive to all hidden emotions, and we cannot overcome our symptoms of his repressed emotions until he has opened his own mind to accept and acknowledge them."

Kathryn and Chakotay stared at the Utu for a moment with astounded faces. Even though both of them had nearly taken for granted that after all the years in Delta Quadrant there were only little that could surprise either of them, the explanation they have just heard was almost incomprehensible.

"I'm sorry, but from my point of view one's most personal emotions are one's own and we don't just automatically talk about them when asked", Kathryn explained then. "I'm sure there is another way we can resolve this situation…"

"There is not, Captain", the Utu said interrupting her. "The moment you saw him, you started to send out similar resonance to our air as he has done the whole time. I speak for all of my people when I say that you must resolve this quickly. Our wellbeing is connected to this condition of yours."

"You make it sound like we have some kind of disease", Chakotay said.

"Yeees. That is how we empathize with this situation. So you must understand now, Captain, why you must be here. There are no hidden, unexpressed or denied emotions in our society. We understand that this is confusing to many outsiders who come to our world. Each time we start to have effects on these kinds of unnatural emotional states, we must encourage the natural healing process to be activated. And we urge you to resolve the situation quickly, because what you keep hidden has serious ill effects on us."

"So that is the reason why this city is so empty now." Kathryn realized. "Why many of your kind are moving to the south city."

"Yeees."

"But you must understand that we are not familiar with your customs, nor did we deliberately try to harm you in any way", Kathryn began. "We took every precaution to avoid straight contact with your people; we had no interest in interfering in any way. Surely you must…"

"You must understand that you came to our world, Captain", the Utu interrupted. "As I think you do. I get a strong feeling you are trying to avoid your own repressed emotions as we speak. The reality is that we have already felt the consequences of your presence. You chose to come here, and unfortunately you are people whose hidden emotions have an affect on us. Therefore it is your duty to resolve them."

Then the Utu turned around and started to walk towards the door from which they had arrived.

"Lovely place", Chakotay said once the Utu was gone.

He was trying to ease the evident awkwardness between them, which had been arisen from the blunt words of Kathryn's escort.

"Well…", Kathryn began. "This is certainly very unexpected and unique experience. But I guess I should have seen this coming after what I heard from Neelix."

"He's back on Voyager?"

"Yes. And he told that the Utu made him express his anger. Once he did, they released him."

"I guess they are very serious with us now."

Kathryn didn't say anything. She had begun to feel that their conversation had moved towards issues she didn't feel comfortable to talk about. Yet it was the exact direction the Utu wanted them to go. Or even demanded. Was there any way to get out of this situation? The mere thought of opening up to Chakotay as a cure for the Utu felt inconceivable.

Suddenly Kathryn became aware of the silent moment that had fell over them, and she started to think something sensible to say, which would redirect their thoughts to something else.

"Did you notice how evident his body language was while he was speaking?" she asked then. "And how much he gestured with his hands?"

"I guess that would be somewhat natural for the species that has evolved in this kind of environment", Chakotay speculated. "Living and evolving in the dark environment must have had supported the evolution of their way of expressing themselves. Darkness can conceal many discreet non-verbal signals that we still use, and which are more or less automated in our gesture language."

"And once you were brought here the Utu quickly realized that they didn't detect any hidden emotions from Tuvok", Kathryn deduced.

"Not to say that there wouldn't be any, but Vulcan mind is in the league of its own", Chakotay noted and smirked. "And what comes to Tom, he is pretty open guy by nature."

"Yes he is", Kathryn agreed. "Neelix let me understand that he had no conscious anger in his mind about the Rinax, but the Utu succeeded to dig his emotions up somehow, and he got upset."

"And then there is me", Chakotay said calmly and looked Kathryn below his brows.

"Hmm…", Kathryn responded and turned her eyes elsewhere. She realized again that she wanted to change the subject, and to her own relief she quickly succeeded to do so. "It seems we have no way to get out of here, since the Utu are able to hide us from Voyager's sensors somehow. They must have some kind of dampening field around this patio, or the whole building."

"You would like to be beamed out?" Chakotay asked then.

Chakotay's question made Kathryn feel more uneasy. It was apparent that he was poking her with his subtle hinting, trying to get her to face the issues, which the Utu wanted them to talk about. Next thing she knew was that she was blushing. It started to irritate her a little, because for her it was a manifestation of shyness, which was a sensation she didn't like to link to herself. For her it represented kind of weakness she wasn't ready to accept. So yes; the truth was that she would rather get back to Voyager than start to talk about certain things with her first officer. As good friends as they were, there were still topics they did not cover in their discussions, no matter how personal ones. However, Kathryn had to admit at this very moment that she didn't have many options. Sooner or later she had to face the situation and start talking. Hence she hoped that there would be some way out of the current situation, even though such a hope was pretty farfetched.

"Look…", she started.

"I know Kathryn", Chakotay quickly responded. "This is rather… awkward. And I guess I have always hoped that if we would face the situation where we would talk about certain things, it would have happened more naturally than this."

"I don't think we have an option now", Kathryn said trying to sound determined. "So lets just get this over with, shall we?

"Okay."

"Okay. So tell me; what is on your mind?"

"What is on my mind?" Chakotay asked and laughed.

"The Utu have kept you here for a reason."

"As I understood, you were brought here for the very same reason, Kathryn. And I bet your presence here has some other purpose than just listening what I have on my mind."

Kathryn turned her back on Chakotay and hid her face with her hand. She had difficulties to believe that she had ended up in a situation like this. Whatever she might have thought during some her most private moments, were her thoughts only. She wasn't ready to talk about her most intimate thoughts and emotions, and she was certainly not willing to express some of the feelings she knew existed, but which she wasn't ready to explore herself.

"I guess the Utu should have been more specific where to start", she then heard him say.

"I guess so", Kathryn managed to answer.

Then an uncomfortable silence fell on them again. Kathryn didn't know how to handle it, since usually all those moments when they were together without saying a word had been anything but awkward. But now both of them felt the urge to say something, to break the ice. But words didn't come easy and both of them kept evading the obvious.

Kathryn started to fill her mind with other things. She needed the distraction, something to eas her awkwardness. The first thing that came to her mind was her crew. Right now they were thousands of kilometers above them, waiting for them to return. Then she thought about the reports she had read this morning, the ship system's that were waiting for to be reviewed, and where to fit her appointment with B'Elanna, who had requested private meeting in order to talk about the current dilithium status.

"What are you thinking about?" she heard him asking.

"What?"

"You seemed to be light-years away", Chakotay specified.

"Just what I left behind on Voyager", Kathryn told and looked elsewhere. "You know, all the work that is waiting."

"Oh", he responded briefly.

Kathryn turned her face back to Chakotay and looked at him curiously. She waited him to elaborate, to say something, to give an explanation to the 'oh' she had just heard.

"What?" Chakotay asked.

"Why did you response to my thoughts like that?"

"No offence meant", he let her know immediately.

"None taken, but I would still like to know", Kathryn said. "We are here, in the patio of honesty after all."

Chakotay started smiling, and said: "Well, I guess I should have known you were thinking about the obvious, but I guess wasn't. So I was surprised when the apparent answer to my question was the apparent answer after all."

"The obvious?"

"You are very dutiful and passion captain so you thinking about your responsibilities is hardly surprising."

"Why do I get the feeling you just gave me a diagnosis?", Kathryn asked and smiled faintly.

"Diagnosis? No – just stating the fact. The obvious."

"And what about it?"

"What about what?"

"Why is it worth mentioning that I was thinking about my responsibilities?" she asked.

"Kathryn", Chakotay said and sighed. "We are talking, but we are saying only a little. This is definitely going around circles, don't you think?"

"Okay, so tell me Chakotay…", Kathryn started then. "Do you think I am too dutiful?"

"Hmm…" Chakotay said as he was pondering what to say next. He was unsure of the direction their conversation had turned, and he wanted to consider his words carefully.

"Well?" she asked then.

"Sometimes…", Chakotay started. "Sometimes I would feel easier if I would see you to be more relaxed more often. There is the weight of the world on your shoulders, Kathryn."

"I think it is understandable in our situation", she said. "But it is not like I would dwell in constant trepidation the whole time. I quite enjoy being the captain."

"I'm sure you do."

"And why do I still get the feeling there is something more you would like to say, but you are not?" she asked smiling a little.

"You want me to be completely honest?"

"Please."

"Well, sometimes I wonder how much Kathryn is left under those four pips of yours."

"You do?" Kathryn asked surprised.

"I just hope you don't let certain parts of you to become dormant just because you are our captain. Even you should have the right to shake off your rank, and as a friend I truly hope that does happen sometimes."

"Well", Kathryn started. "It is quite difficult for me to separate the captain and the private person in me."

"I don't doubt it."

"If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, it would be different. But here… here I have to be at the ready every day. But it's not like I don't know how to relax, Chakotay."

"I know, but it is not the same thing, is it Kathryn?" Chakotay asked. "To relax is one thing and to be fully released from your obligations is another."

"I guess you're right", Kathryn admitted. "But I don't really have a choice, do I? I am in a position where no other captain of the Starfleet has ever been. I'm on duty all the time. Sometimes it may feel like a burden, sometimes I feel like on a top of the world. Usually I don't even consciously think about my work; captaincy has become so integrated to me that I cannot even imagine what else life could be. In any case I am in no position to be sad or regretful what I cannot get at this point. My life is what it is. All I have is a choice how to live the life I have to the full."

"I agree. Regretting is waste of time."

"Then why do I feel like I have to defend myself now?"

"I don't know, Kathryn."

"Are you feeling sorry for me?"

"Sometimes yes", Chakotay admitted.

"Why?"

"Because there should be more to everyone's life than giving their best the whole time, to fulfill their responsibilities, and to think about the mutual good before one's own needs."

"All right", Kathryn said and nodded. "I do have to admit that this wasn't exactly the life I ever imagined to live, but as I have already said, my life is what it is. I can only choose how to live it, and I have chosen to command Voyager as well as I can."

"Yet if you were given the possibility to return to the Alpha Quadrant tomorrow, you would take it."

"Of course I would."

"Because you promised your crew you'd get them home?"

"Yes. For me the crew comes first in all situations. I am their Captain."

"Then why didn't you accept Q's offer few years ago when he said he could throw us back."

"That is not a fare question, Chakotay."

"And why not?"

"Because what he asked for me was too much."

"So there are limits to your altruism after all? You do think about yourself and your needs occasionally, and you are not ready to do everything in order to get your crew home?"

"Of course there are limits. But I have defined them to myself."

"Really?" Chakotay asked surprised.

"Why is that so surprising?"

"Because I disagree. I think certain limits around you are set by someone else instead of you."

"Well of course there are some, like Prime Directive for instance. But being Captain doesn't mean that I don't have freewill outside of Starfleet's regulations."

"So after we returned to New Earth it was your decision we would not explore further whatever we started there or was that you acting accordance with Starfleet's procedures?"

"Chakotay!" Kathryn sighed. "Starfleet's regulations and procedures are there for a reason."

"I know, but you do know that being here in the Delta Quadrant has tested those rules and regulations again and again and there have been times when some of them had to been bended a little."

"Bended perhaps, but not broken."

"So where do your own limits begin, Kathryn? When does a situation require bending the already existing rules?"

"All right. I'll be blunt, since I know that Starfleet's rules and regulations are not the hot topic here", Kathryn informed trying to control her emerging annoyance. "You, Chakotay, from all people should know that the life of the captain is a lonely one."

"And why is that particular recommendation the one you are not willing to bend at any cost?"

"Chakotay…"

"Tell me, please. I think I am entitled to know."

Kathryn sighed. She felt like Chakotay was demanding her to state the most obvious explanation there was on this matter.

"As you know, it would be inappropriate for me to even consider any of my subordinates in an intimate relationship with me."

"Yet the Starfleet has always been reluctant to regulate people's personal lives."

"I am the exception in our crew, Chakotay. I am the Captain."

"And there is no room for bending the rule when it comes to this."

"No, there is not", Kathryn admitted and turned her face away.

"Because of the Starfleet, your captaincy, or because of you?"

"For all of those reasons", Kathryn said. "But it has never meant Chakotay that I hadn't wished that the circumstances would change. And that is a selfish wish, not altruistic one. I want Voyager back home for myself too, not just to get the crew back where they belong."

"And what if we belong on Voyager, all of us? It is very plausible that we are going to spend the rest of our lives here in Delta Quadrant."

"I know."

"So you have decided that you will always be the captain, even for the rest of your life if necessary, without giving yourself the permission to be something else as well."

"There is not anything else for me, Chakotay", Kathryn said and turned around to face him again. "As long as we are here in the Delta Quadrant, every waking moment of my life is regulated by my captaincy. And yes; we may be here for the rest of our lives. But I can imagine much worse things than being the Captain of the Voyager. My life is hardly unpleasant."

"Are you happy, Kathryn?"

"Yes", she responded without hesitating. "I am happy. But it doesn't mean that there wouldn't be things in the universe that would make me even happier. But that is not the point. The point is to be happy with what the life has given you, and not to grief over the things you do not have."

"But if there are things in your life you don't have, but you could have, why would deny them from yourself?"

"I think we have different perceptions of 'not having' and 'cannot have' now."

"I guess", Chakotay said and sighed.

They both turned their back on each other. A lot had already been said, more than either one of them had anticipated, but there were still something that needed to be told.

"You know…", Kathryn started then, her back still facing Chakotay's. "It is not like I would be immune to certain things, Chakotay. But having certain feelings and acting on them are two different things. At least for us. I'm not so sure about the Utu."

Chakotay turned around and watched her more calmly than a moment ago. He heard her sighing once again, until continuing.

"And I want to make clear that the way have decided to live on Voyager has nothing to do with anyone else. I can break or bend the rules on many issues, if needed, but in this case I cannot."

The look in Chakotay's eyes darkened with a disappointment he had known for so long. He was pleased to hear Kathryn speaking on her thoughts, but there was still something missing in their discussion.

"We have beaten about the bush enough now", Chakotay finally said. "So I want to get to the point now."

"All right", Kathryn said and looked over her shoulder to Chakotay.

"Do you have feelings for me Kathryn?" he asked then.

Kathryn closed her eyes and sighed. Not that she was surprised to hear his question, but to finally hear those words coming out of Chakotay's mouth had deeper impact on her than she had anticipated.

"Of course I do", she said then. "I think you should have known that by now."

"Well, you can never be completely sure when leaning on something that you feel is there, but has left unspoken."

Kathryn didn't say anything, but she started feel sad, despaired even. It was like something inside her had cracked open, and now she was unsure what had been released. She didn't like the feel that welled from uncertainty, so she had to defeat it, find the solid ground again.

"So… what do you want, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked then.

"I want to be the best captain I can be", she said.

"You do?"

"I do."

"And nothing more?"

"It's not that I wouldn't want more for me, but you cannot always get what you want."

"But in this case you actually could", he said quietly.

"That's not quite true, Chakotay."

"It is true, and that is the reason why all this… faking feels so ludicrous when I know that there could actually be a way to change it."

"This is the only way, Chakotay."

"It doesn't have to be. And to be honest… if we are going to spend the rest of our lives in this quadrant, this… refraining seems almost pointless. No one at Starfleet Command would even know if you would allow yourself to become intimate with someone on your crew. No one in Starfleet ever imagined that a captain would have to remain as a captain for a lifetime without any way to take a break from the command."

"What about our obligations, Chakotay?"

"What about them? Everyone on our crew has responsibilities, yet there are those who are having personal lives, and despite what they do during their off hours, they are still able to balance their own lives with their duties. Look at B'Elanna and Tom, for instance."

"You cannot honestly ask me to compare my situation to theirs! And what about you, Chakotay? You are second in command!"

"This has nothing to do with my position as first officer!" he spat out, clearly more tensed up. "B'Elanna is the chief engineer. Has our systems been malfunctioning more since she became involved with Tom? Has she been more inactive in her duties? Has her dedication to our crew diminished? I haven't seen any signs of that."

"Chakotay!", Kathryn exclaimed. "You have told me yourself about how you felt about your relationship with Seska. You have told me that you decided it wouldn't work while you were leading your group. And why? Because your mission was bigger than anything else. It was your whole life. You felt that there would not be any room for becoming deeply involved with someone else, because your mission was the most important thing that there was. It was bigger than your own life. Now tell me; how is it that you are not seeing it now? Why do you have difficulties to understand my position when you have been right there yourself?"

"Because it is not the same, Kathryn."

"It is the same, Chakotay!"

"It is not. The person I was back then and the person who I am now are like a night and a day. I was emotionally unavailable back then; there was more anger within me than there was affection."

"So you are saying that your unwillingness to have a relationship back then had more to do with yourself than with the command structure on your ship?"

"It was both, but it was more about me than my role as their captain. And it had also to do with feelings, Kathryn. Whatever I might have felt for her can't compare to…"

Kathryn turned her back on him. She wanted a moment to cool down. She knew what he was about to say, and she wasn't ready to hear it, because she had no way of knowing what kind of impact it would have on her.

"What do you want me to say, Chakotay?" she asked then almost desperately. "I don't know what to tell you anymore. So why won't you let go of this?"

"Is that what you want? Do you want me to get over my feelings?"

Kathryn sighed and looked at the sky above them. She couldn't response.

"What if I would get over my feelings?" he asked then. "What if I would fall in love with someone?"

"I would be happy for you", Kathryn told.

"You would?"

"Of course I would. You are my friend, Chakotay. And if I would see you happy, how could I resent it? As your friend I don't want anything but happiness for you. That is the altruistic side of me that puts the love to my crew above else other."

"You truly mean that?"

"I do", she assured.

"Because it would bother the hell out of me if I would see you happy with someone else."

"But if you knew for certain that it would be what I wanted, would you really resent it?"

"I guess not", he admitted. "But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't feel the sense of loss, that I could prevent myself thinking how unfair it would be for me. Everyone has some selfishness in them."

"Well… I would be lying if I claimed that it wouldn't bother me if I saw someone knowing you better than I do. But if something… someone would make you truly happy, I would not step in it. I would accept as quickly as I could, and I would be happy because you would be happy."

"Yet I am not as happy as I could be at the moment. There is something constantly missing in me. Don't get me wrong; the friendship we have is more important to me than anything, but at the same time I cannot shake off the feeling that I don't have the one thing I truly need. "

"Chakotay…I hear what you are saying, I really do, but I just wish you could truly understand my position on this. The only way I can express it with words is that I cannot indulge my feelings, because I would stop trusting myself on certain things. But believe me when I say that I do wish this situation would change. There is a lot of hope in mere possibility."

"So in another words, as long as we are in this Quadrant, it is definite no from your part?"

"Yes", she said.

"It's a shame, Kathryn."

"I know. And it does sadden me."

"The way I see it, we are wasting time", he said then. "What we have here between us… this doesn't happen to people too often."

"I know", Kathryn said and she felt a lump in her throat.

"And it is just so frustrating to know it, and at the same time to admit that we might be in the Delta Quadrant for rest of our lives", he said then and turned away.

"I'm sorry Chakotay. And I'm truly starting to worry now that this will have an effect on our friendship. I would hate to see it happening. That's why I haven't been very eager to talk about this with you."

"No", he said and turned his face to her again. Then he stepped closer to her. "Nothing comes between this friendship Kathryn."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Let's just agree what is said on this moon, stays on this moon", he said and smiled warmly.

"Agreed", Kathryn answered and felt relieved.

Chakotay touched Kathryn's arm briefly. He looked at her like asking for permission to touch more. Kathryn took a step closer and closed her eyes. She felt him close, sensed his warmth.

"So if everything that has happened here stays in here…" Chakotay whispered, but without finishing his sentence.

He pulled her against him. Kathryn hesitated, uncertain if she would want him to take the lead on this, but at the same time every fiber of her being begged herself to surrender her own yearning and desire. Then she felt his hand on her back and another on her tight. Sudden rush of heat took her over and once she looked in his eyes she could see the endless unfulfilled craving that she knew all too well herself. Then he kissed her and she let him. His tongue found its way against hers, and for a moment the rest of the universe was a void, and all that mattered and made her alive was his presence. Kathryn didn't want it to stop. She hadn't realized how much she had missed him close, and how much she was about to let go. Once she felt Chakotay's hand in her hair, cold chill went down her spine. She felt beautiful, wanted, comforted, save, and fulfilled. But most of all she felt complete.

"I love you…", Chakotay managed to whisper until started to kiss her again.

Kathryn's heart raced. She loved him too. She loved him and needed him more than she had ever loved or needed anyone. And since she was unable to put it in words, she tried to show it with her touch and kisses, with all of her gestures, that she loved him as passionately, endlessly, and totally as he loved her.

"The air has been cleansed", they heard a voice near them.

They broke the kiss and looked at the direction of the voice. Kathryn's Utu escort had returned.

"Please follow me", he said then.

Kathryn felt disappointed, robbed even. Now that she had finally dared to let Chakotay to come near, she had wanted it to last longer than this.

"How do you feel?" the Utu asked then.

"Nearly irritated", Kathryn responded honestly.

"Good. You have learned to give your feelings the words they deserve", was the response. "But now we have to complete the cleansing."

"What does that involve?" Chakotay asked and pulled Kathryn against him. As long as they were on this moon, he wanted to keep her close.

"You will see", the Utu responded. "Now follow me."

"I guess we don't have a choice", Kathryn whispered and looked deep into Chakotay's eyes. What she saw was a reflection of deep devotion and affection. She could only hope that he was able to see the same from her eyes too.

They followed their escort to the building. After few turns to both left and right they arrived to the room, where they found a pool of water. They were asked to remove their garments, and finally they were instructed to sit on the shallow water backs against each other. Then two of the Utus started to pour water on both of them.

"How are you feeling?" one of the Utus asked Kathryn.

"Sad", she answered honestly.

"Why?"

"Because as much as I want to get back to my own kind, I know that I have to pay for it by losing something very important to me."

"Why do you have to lose it?"

"Because we have rules in our society as well. They do not restrict any of our emotions, but they do define what behavior is appropriate and what is not."

"Expressing emotions is not appropriate?"

"It is, in some extent. But there are feelings I cannot express at the moment."

"How does that make you feel?", the Utu asked Chakotay then.

"Sad", he said. "But not devastated."

"Why?" the Utu asked.

Chakotay didn't know what to say. He felt like he had achieved so much, yet left with nothing. He was also endlessly happy, and yet in pain.

"Why, you asked me", he started. "The answer is that because when two individuals of our kind become close on emotional level…" Chakotay began and Kathryn listened carefully as her tears started to burn her eyes. "… there are things that these two know, even though they would not be expressed. Some emotions can become too pure, too beautiful, for any words."


End file.
